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The Forty-First Day 5m,2f
Ben DoughertyThis is my intellectual property. I don't mind if you use it free of charge, but please give me credit as the author, and send me an e-mail if you are performing it, because I would enjoy seeing it performed.
The
Forty-First Day
By: Ben Dougherty (bdougherty@maryville.edu)
Characters:
God Noah Sarah-
Noah’s Wife Shem-
Noah’s Son Ham-
Noah’s Son Japheth-
Noah’s Son Lilith-
The Stowaway
Setting:
The Ark
Time: The 41st Day of the Great Flood
Noah stands at the hatch down center and a dove lands on his hand as
he draws it inside.
Shem: Jeez Dad, how long are we going to have to stay in this stupid boat anyway? Noah: Until the Lord our God commands us to leave! Just as God commanded me to build the Ark, and to populate it with the creatures of the earth. He also commanded me to take my family into the Ark and await the great flood. And behold, the flood has come, and the Lord has seen fit to save us from destruction. Ham: But you said 40 day and 40 nights, and today is day 41, and it’s still raining! Noah: I don’t know why it’s still raining. Perhaps we miscounted the days… Shem: No look, we’ve tallied each one here. (pointing to a wall) Noah: I don’t know, (yelling) I don’t know! Sarah: Shem, Ham! There you are. Go help your brother feed the animals down below. Shem: Yes Mom. (exits) Noah: (sitting down and shaking his head) 40 days and 40 nights of rain is what He said. And yet it rains still…something is wrong. Sarah: Noah, remember when you were building this Ark, and our neighbors called you “Crazy Old Noah”? And then when you said that God had spoken to you, and told you to build the Ark because a great flood was coming, I alone believed you. God has chosen us because of our faith Noah. Don’t forget that. Noah: I know, but the storm is getting rougher, and we have limited provisions! Did I do something wrong? Let’s think… Sarah: What did God tell you to do? Noah: Well first He said, “Make yourself an ark of gopherwood, put various compartments in it, and cover it inside and out with pitch.” Sarah: Did you use gopherwood? Noah: Yes, and we have compartments, and I used the pitch… Sarah: Ok, what else did he say? Noah: Well then He said, “the length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. Sarah: And is the length 300, the width 50, and the height 30? Noah: Certainly, I measured and built it myself. Sarah: Ok then what. Noah: He said, “Make an opening for daylight, and entrance and three decks.” And that’s exactly what I did. Sarah: Alright. Noah: Then He said, “with you I will establish my covenant; you and your sons, your wife and your sons’ wives, shall go into the ark. Of all other living creatures you shall bring two into the ark, one male and one female, that you may keep them alive with you.” Sarah: Do you think we missed an animal? Noah: No, the boys and I rounded them up ourselves. Sarah: Did He say anything else? Noah: Not until it was time to get in the Ark. Sarah: Then what did he say? Noah: Well He said, “Go into the ark, you and all your household, for you alone in this age have I found to be truly just.” Sarah: Well we know we did that. Noah: Something just isn’t right…
Sarah and Noah pace for a few moments when Japheth enters. Japheth: Mom! Dad! Noah: What is it Japheth? Japheth: Something is wrong with the ostriches. I don’t know what. They’ve lost a lot of weight. They look almost sickly like they’re starving. Noah: How can that be? Do you feed them? Japheth: Of course we feed them every day, and every time I come back their food is gone. They must be eating. Noah: Or something else must be eating their food… Japheth: You think something is eating the ostriches’ food? Noah: No not something…SOMEONE… Japheth: But Dad!— Sarah: Noah, you can’t be serious! Noah: Think about it, today is the forty-first day, the rain should have stopped, but it hasn’t. The storm is getting worse and the Ark is getting tossed by high waves. Japheth, take your brothers search the decks for a stowaway. He’ll be hiding with the animals. When you find him, bring him to me. Japheth exits and Noah crosses stage left to look out a hatch. Sarah: Do you really think there is a stowaway on this Ark? Noah: It’s the only explanation. God said, “Go into the ark, you and all your household, for you alone in this age have I found to be truly just.” I broke His rules, I let someone else get on board. Sarah: What are you going to do when you find him? Noah: I don’t know…
Shem enters excited. Shem: We found her Dad! Noah: (Turning around) Her? Shem: Yea Dad Japheth and Ham are bringing her up now! Sarah: How is she Shem, is she alright? Is she wounded? Shem: She’s fine Mom. Japheth and Ham enter holding Lilith, who is looking down, one on each arm and walk her to Noah. Noah: Lift your head child so that I may see you. (Lilith looks up at Noah) What is your name? And why are you on this Ark? Lilith: (Desperate) My name is Lilith. I don’t want to die sir! My father kicked me out of his home because he found I was with child. I have wandered and found your house. I heard you talking about the great flood and I want to save my child sir. Please have mercy on me. Sarah: Noah— Noah: I must talk with God, and seek his council. Japheth, take Lilith to a room, give her food, and let her rest if she is tired. Sarah go with them and tend to her. Japheth and Sarah help Lilith exit stage left. Shem: What about us Dad? Noah: Leave me, I need to speak with God. Ham: Jeez Dad, we want to speak with God too! Noah: Go say your prayers!
Shem and Ham exit left and Noah walks down center to a hatch. Noah: God, I know that you told me to take just my family and the animals onto the Ark, but I have just found a stowaway, and she is with child. I didn’t know she was here until just now, and I am seeking your wisdom. What should I do? God: You must throw this girl overboard. Noah: But God, she is with child, and she was frightened and sough protection. God: She is not truly just as your household is Noah. She will corrupt your household and poison your line. I am establishing my covenant with you and your family forever Noah. Noah: I know God, and I am grateful, but she is so young. God: (growing angry) Noah, do not argue! Throw the girl overboard or the Ark will sink and your household will perish. Noah: But God, your will is hard! Where is your mercy? (Noah pauses. There is no response) God? God?! Noah sits down with his head in his hands, and Sarah enters. Sarah: What’s wrong? Noah: How is the girl? Sarah: She’s sleeping. Noah: I spoke with God. Sarah: And? Noah: He said throw her overboard. Sarah: No! Noah how can you?! She’s just a girl. Noah: God has commanded it! Wake her up and bring her to me. Sarah exits. Noah: Please God, if it be your will take this cup from me.
Sarah enters with Lilith who looks tired. Noah: (to Sarah) Leave us. (Sarah exits). I have summoned you here because I have spoken with God. Lilith: And? Noah: And he has commanded me to throw you overboard. Lilith: No! Please don’t sir! I am but a poor girl. And if you don’t take pity on me, then take pity on my child, my innocent child! Noah goes to grab Lilisth. She falls to the ground, and he begins to drag her upstage. He drags her offstage and a scream and a loud splash is heard. The rain, thunder and lightning stop. Noah enters and walks down center looking out the hatch. Shem enters. Shem: Dad! Dad! It stopped raining! Noah: As you have commanded it Lord, so I have done it.
A Gentleman’s
Game
By: Ben Dougherty (bdougherty@maryville.edu)
Setting: Sunny Thursday morning on a golf course. Characters:
Name: Fitzpatrick(Fitz) Age: 32 Handicap: Scratch Retirement plan: Join the Senior Professional Golf Tour Pet Peeve: Cell Phones on a Golf Course Description: Fitz is a wealthy entrepreneur who has worked hard to develop a good golf game, and feels very strongly about golf course etiquette. He believes that golf is the greatest game on earth, and he takes it WAY too seriously. He thinks that cell phones are the bane of his existence, and he detests them. However, Fitz considers himself a gentleman and acts accordingly most of the time.
Name: Ryan Age: 43 Handicap: 7 Retirement plan: Become a fishing guide in Canada. Pet Peeve: People who take golf too seriously. Description: Ryan is a Walter Hagenish golfer who takes chances on the golf course and in life. He believes in upholding the rules and etiquette of golf, and never takes himself or his golf too seriously. His good scores lie more in his incredible natural talent than his practice (which he doesn’t do much of).
Name: Joe Age: 28 Handicap: 43 Description: Young business man who plays golf to make good business contacts. He has no clue what golf etiquette is, and he is more concerned about managing his portfolio and his business from his cell phone than golfing.
Name: Emily Age: 27 Handicap: doesn’t golf Description: Emily is a young housewife of an up and
coming businessman. She enjoys
scrabble, and is on the golf course not to play but to be with her husband and
make him play scrabble with her. She
constantly complains about him not spending enough time with her, and
complains that he spends too much time on his cell phone.
While at the same time she herself is getting random cell phone calls
from her other housewife friends to talk about gossip, etc. Scene opens to Fitz and Ryan center stage eyeing up the first hole which is off stage left on a beautiful Thursday morning. Fitz: (steps forward and talks to audience Ryan freezes) You know, I love the game of golf. It’s the greatest sport ever invented. It’s a game of gentlemen and etiquette. The rules are simple, but the game is challenging. There’s no better way to spend a beautiful spring morning than playing 18 holes of golf with a good friend. And that’s exactly what Ryan and I had planned one beautiful Thursday morning. Boy were we in for a surprise. (Pause) Hole number one! (Fitz steps back into place next to Ryan) Fitz: (staring at the pin) How many yards to the pin? Ryan: 187 yards according to the scorecard. Fitz: It’s at least 200. Definitely a two-iron. I’m laying up. Ryan: Play what you want. I’m going with the three-wood. I can carry this green. Fitz: (teeing up his ball and taking a practice swing) You’ll never make scratch with that aggressive course management of yours. Ryan: Shut up and hit the ball. Fitz takes a full swing with his two-iron and lands a beautiful shot just on the green. Fitz: (smiling) Looks like I made it to the green, must be 187 after all. Ryan: Yea yea, step aside. (tees up his ball and without taking a practice swing cranks the ball with a three-wood and cringes as it slices into a sand trap) Fitz: (chuckling) It’s a beautiful day to go the beach. Ryan:
I swear that sand trap moved!
Suddenly a ruckus can be heard coming from stage right as Joe and Emily ride up to the first tee arguing. Emily: Loo is too a word! Joe: It is not, it’s a name! You can’t play names! Emily: Not Lou you idiot, loo, as in the British word for bathroom! Joe: Well then you can’t play it because it’s foreign! Emily: Britain isn’t foreign, they speak English! Joe: Fine, then I’m spelling colour with a “u”!
Joe: Hi, I’m Joe, and that’s my wife Emily. (offering a hand) Ryan: (taking Joe’s hand) Joe, I’m Ryan nice to meet you. This is Fitz. (pointing to Fitz) Fitz: Hi Joe. (shaking Joe’s hand) Joe: We were paired up with you guys. My wife isn’t playing golf, (gets a driver and ball out of his bag as he talks) she’s a scrabble enthusiast. She’s hoping to go on the scrabble tour and play competitively.
Fitz: Excuse me, is that a driver? Joe: Yea, why? Fitz: This hole is less than 200 yards. Joe: So? Ryan: Nothing, go ahead.
Joe: First one’s never any good. I take a lot of mulligans, but I don’t count those strokes. (takes a swing and duffs the ball 40 yards) Well I’ll just have to play that one I guess. Joe hops back into the cart and he and Emily drive ahead. Emily: What took you so long. Why haven’t you played yet!? Joe: Fine, “loose”! Emily: What a waste of an “s”!
Ryan: Now Fitz, I know what you’re thinking, but we have to play 18 holes of golf with these people. Fitz: We’ve been paired up with the couple from hell… Ryan: He’s a hacker and she’s a nagger. But we just have to play our game as best we can. Look on the bright side, at least they don’t have cell phones. Fitz: True, nothing upsets me more than people who talk away their 18 holes on a cell phone. Let’s just stay calm and play our game.
Fitz: Hole number four! By now, Emily’s endless bantering about scrabble and anything else under the sun was wearing on my patients. Joe’s game had picked up a bit, but he was still playing scrabble with Emily, and as for Ryan. Well, let’s just say that Ryan wasn’t playing very well.
Emily: (shouting when Ryan is in the middle of his swing) Bumblebee!
Joe: (without looking up, shouting) Did you hit yet Ryan? Ryan: (stalking toward the cart) Yes I hit. And I— Fitz: (stepping in, holding Ryan back and interrupting him) –Excuse me Joe? Joe: (looking up) Yea? Fitz: It’s your shot. Are you going to hit? Joe: Oh sure! Emily: But Joe, it’s your turn to play a word! Joe: Hold on!
Joe: Piece of cake. (walking back to the cart) Joe and Emily drive off babbling about Scrabble again. Fitz: Relax Ryan! Ryan: Fitz, they’re driving me nuts! If that gal talks in the middle of one of my shots again I’m going to say something a golfer shouldn’t say! Fitz: Look, when we get up to the green I’ll talk to Joe, ok? Ryan: Fine, but if your talk doesn’t work then I may snap! Fitz: Alright go find your ball. Ryan leaves and Fitz talks to the audience again. Fitz: By this point, Ryan is getting furious and I’m thinking if I don’t straighten these people out we could have a brawl on our hands. So while Ryan was putting, I pulled Joe aside at the green on the fourth to have a man to man. Ryan enter right and looks like he’s putting. Joe enters left, and Fitz crosses to Joe. Fitz: Joe, I know you’re just out here to have a good time, but there are rules of etiquette in golf, and Emily keeps talking in the middle of Ryan’s swing. And we really need you to pay attention to the game, because—(Joe’s cell phone rings) Joe: Right, hold on Fitz—(picking up phone) Joe here. No, I’m just playing golf, we can talk. Oh really? Tell me more. (Joe exits stage left still talking on his phone)
Ryan: How’d it go? What’d you say? What’d he say? Fitz: (still shocked) Well I asked him to keep Emily quiet, and to pay more attention to the game, and then…then his phone rang. Ryan: WHAT?! Fitz: His cell phone rang. And he picked it up! Ryan: NO! Fitz: YES! And he said “I can talk, I’m JUST playing golf…” Ryan: Can you imagine? (shaking his head) Fitz: How do people like that get on a golf course? Ryan: Buck up, maybe he forgot it was on, and it was a one time deal. Fitz: Yea right… Ryan exits stage left leaving Fitz to talk to the audience. Fitz: Hole number nine! I was starting to wonder if I had died in my sleep. Perhaps this wasn’t a golf course at all, perhaps it was some twisted version of hell. By this point, I didn’t think things could get any worse. Boy was I wrong… Emily is sitting in the cart stage right, and Joe, Ryan, and Fitz are putting on the green stage left. Joe sinks a putt, and Ryan is getting ready to putt when Joe’s cell phone rings. Joe: Joe here. Yea, really? (ad lib and fade as he walks toward the cart) Ryan: (putts and looks over at Fitz shaking his head) We can just play nine today. There’s no reason to torture ourselves for another nine holes. Joe hangs up his cell phone and begins playing scrabble with Emily. Fitz: It’s unbelievable, I really didn’t think people like this existed. At least not on golf courses. Well I’m going to putt out. (lines up his putt)
Emily picks up her cell phone and calls her babysitter.
Joe is standing over his ball ready to hit it.
Emily: (shouting) WHAT?! Joe! We have to go, one of the kids isn’t feeling well! Joe: Honey they’re fine, we still have another nine holes to go. (Joe’s cell phone rings and he picks it up) Joe here…(ad lib conversation)
Fitz:
That’s it, I can’t take this any longer.
(walking over to Emily and Joe and shouting) Look!
(grabs their cell phones, hangs them up and puts them in his pocket) I’ve taken as much as I can take from you two.
Since hole one you have broken every rule of golf and point of
etiquette. You’ve talked on
cell phones, you’ve talked while we’re making shots, you’ve played more
scrabble than golf! And you’ve driven your cart off the cart path, and I can’t
take it anymore!
The Marshall walks up behind Fitz.
Fitz: People
like you don’t belong on a golf course!
Do the world a favor, don’t ever come back here!
Marshall: (to Fitz) Excuse me, sir! We don’t permit yelling on this course. If you can’t conduct yourself in a gentlemanly fashion I’ll have to ask you to leave. Joe’s cell phone rings in Fitz pocket. Marshall:
(taking Fitz by the arm and escorting him off stage) Sir you’re
going to have to leave. We don’t
permit cell phones on this course because they may be a distraction to other
golfers.
By: Ben Dougherty (bdougherty@maryville.edu)
Characters:
Frank-
Frank’s wife is cheating on him. Sam-
Sam is Frank’s best friend. Joe-
Joe is a professional tennis player.
Setting: The
terrace of a private men’s club.
Sam and Frank are sitting at a table on a terrace of their private men’s club. There are two more chairs around the table that are empty. It is a beautiful spring dusk. Sam is shuffling a deck of cards.
Sam: I love this club, no women around to muddle things up. Frank: You think they’re that bad? Sam: Well, not Carol of course, but most of them, yes. Frank: That’s a pretty cynical attitude to take. Sam: Cynic, noun, a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are and not as they ought be! Frank: Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary, 1906 Sam: 1911. Frank: The first paperback edition was published in 1906! Sam: Incomplete, and uncopyrighted until 1911! Frank: It’s not worth arguing about. Sam: Phaa, what was I ranting about before you distracted me? Oh yes, confounded women! Frank: You should know, you’ve married enough of them. Sam: And divorced more. Frank: And so you’re- Sam: Blissfully unattached! Frank: That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, but if you say so. Sam: I do. Frank: Saying those two words was exactly what caused all of your trouble in the first place. Sam: True, why on earth did I keep saying them over and over? Frank: More to the point, why did you divorce the last one? Sam: I didn’t, she divorced me. She didn’t like my girlfriend. Frank: That’s right, which one cheated on you? Sam: The first one or the second one that cheated on me? Frank: (Frustrated) I don’t care! Sam: Linda was the last one who cheated on me, after that I turned the tables. Frank: How’d you find out? Sam: I was tying my tie one morning and suddenly realized that it wasn’t my tie. I asked Linda whose it was, and she couldn’t give me a straight answer. I put two and two together and she confessed. Why do you ask? Frank: I don’t know, Carol’s seemed distant lately. She’s been acting strangely. Sam: You think she’s fooling around behind your back? Frank: Maybe, I don’t know. Sam: Did you have a thing with Joe what’s his face the tennis guru’s daughter when she came home from college for spring break? Frank: Yea that was the week Carol was working on the Charity benefit for the History Museum, I was lonely. Sam: So maybe she’s lonely! Frank: I’m not organizing a charity benefit! Sam: No, but you sure do spend a hell of a lot of time up here at the club! Frank: You’re one to talk, I swear they’re renting you a room! Sam: Yea, but I’m- Frank: (mockingly) Blissfully unattached. Yea I remember, don’t rub it in. Sam: All I’m saying is, it sounds to me like you have a double standard, it’s ok for you to fool around on her, but not for her to fool around on you. Frank: (Defending himself) I cheated on her once! It was a fluke, a statistical aberration in the eternal nexus of life. Sam: Relax. Look, do you have any proof? Frank: Proof? No, no proof. Sam: Well then let it go until you have something more concrete than, “She seems distant.” Of course she seems distant, she’s at home and you’re at the club! She’s at least 30-40 miles away! (chuckling at himself) Frank: (cracking a smile, and holding back a chuckle of his own) This isn’t funny. Sam: Of course it is. The only thing funnier than this is a co-ed club. Frank: Ha! Or a female club! Sam: That’s just sad. You couldn’t pay me enough money to go there. Frank: I don’t think they’d want you anyway. Sam: Of course they would, all women want men around. That’s why they join female clubs! Frank: (looking confused) Women join all female clubs because they want to be around men? Sam: Naturally. Frank: Please illuminate me. Sam: Oh buddy, I can see you’ve been married WAY too long. Women love spending time with men, because we take care of them. Frank: So why do they join female clubs? Sam: Because we join male clubs to get away from them. Frank: So women join female clubs because men join male clubs? Sam: Precisely! Now you’ve got it! Frank: I don’t know what I’ve got! Sam: It’s very simple, women feel unloved and invalidated when men join male clubs. So they do the only illogical thing they can think of, join a female club. Frank: Why do they do the only illogical thing they can think of? Sam: For the simple reason that women don’t think logically. Frank: They don’t? Sam: Well with a few notable exceptions of course, Madam Curie, Catharine d’ Medici, Lady Macbeth…but then she was more of a man than a woman. Frank: Quite literally when Macbeth was performed in Shakespeare’s time… Sam: Ha! Quite right! (looking offstage) Whop whop! Battle-Stations, here comes Joe, Mr. Tennis Guru. Joe: (Enters opposite Sam shaking both Frank and Sam’s hands) Hey, Frank, Sammy. Sorry I’m late. Had a tennis match. (sitting down). Frank: That’s ok Joe, who won? Joe: Hey, who else? I cleaned up of course. Sam: (begins dealing the cards) It’s good to hear you haven’t lost your touch. Frank: Or your confidence. Joe: A man has nothing without his confidence. Sam: Confidence and an empty bank account is still worth- Frank: An empty bank account. Sam: Speaking of empty bank accounts, Joe I heard your daughter is engaged. Joe: Yep, finally happened. She fell for some kid at college. Sam: You don’t sound too broken up about it. Joe: Well why should I be? Once she’s married off, I’ll be free to travel and maybe even go back on the tour. Frank: Play professional tennis again? Joe: Sure why not? Frank: Do you think you’re still that good? Joe: Well I’d need to train for a while, but I miss the competition. Sam: Say Joe, why didn’t you become the tennis pro here at the club? Joe: Why be the tennis pro when you can be a member? Sam: Good point. Joe: I heard you’re thinking about moving down to Brazil Sam. IRS finally catch up to you? Sam: (laughing) They haven’t caught me yet. But yea, I was thinking about moving down there to retire and teach. Frank: You speak Portuguese? Sam: Yea, don’t you remember that maid from Portugal I had for a while? Joe: Isn’t that why your fourth wife left you? Sam: Something like that. Frank: Well, this is quite the adventurous group. Sam: What about you Frank, where’s your adventure? Frank: Well, I’m planning a trip to Africa. I’m going to hunt big game. Sam: (excited and disbelieving) No! Joe: Wow, isn’t that illegal? Frank: Depends. Sam: What a rush. Joe: I didn’t know you liked to hunt Frank. Frank: Yea I used to do it all the time, but I’m so busy now I hardly ever go out. Sam: Does Carol know? Frank: (shaking his head) I haven’t told her yet, I don’t think she’s going to be very happy. Joe: The wife? Frank: (nodding) Yep. Joe: How long? Frank: Seventeen years. An awkward silence ensues, and the men continue to play cards for fifteen to twenty seconds when Sam feeling like he has to end the silence speaks. Sam: So I went out with this ho dish last weekend. Frank: Yea, where’d you go? Sam: I took her out on my yacht. There was no moon, and you could see every star in the sky. Frank: Sounds nice. Joe: How was she? Sam: 5’6”, blond hair, green eyes, and curves in all the right places. Joe: Reminds me of this babe I’m seeing. She’s got this husband, real up-tight bastard, you know what I mean? Doesn’t have any idea how to treat this lady. Sam: Most men don’t. Joe: She’s real lonely, husband’s never around, so I keep her company. Frank: What’s her name? Joe: I don’t know, she won’t tell me, but she gave me this to remember her by. (Joe pulls a pair of women’s underwear from his pocket chuckling.) They have her initials on them, C. S.
Frank: Those belong to my wife! I gave those to her for Valentine’s Day! You bastard, you’re sleeping with my wife! Frank lunges across the table at Joe, Sam holds Frank back as Joe stands up and steps back from the table. Joe: (Desperate) I swear Frank, I didn’t know. I’m sorry Frank, I didn’t know! Frank takes a deep breath and moves around the table toward Joe. As Frank walks towards Joe, Joe backs up slowly until he hits a rail and Frank is standing right in front of him. Frank takes the underwear out of Joe’s hand, and slaps him across the face with it. Frank: I challenge you to a duel! Joe: A duel? Frank: Yes a duel, it’s the only way to protect my honor. Joe: What if I don’t want to? Sam: You don’t have a choice. It’s in the by-laws of the club. (Sam exits) Joe: What? Frank: Sam is getting the pistols. We start back to back, we each take ten paces, turn and fire. One shot only. It’s that simple. Joe: This is nuts. (trying to run) Frank: (grabbing Joe and holding him in place) You can’t run. I’ll find you.
Sam: They’re loaded. Frank and Joe each take a pistol and move center stage facing back to back. Sam stands up center holding a white handkerchief. Sam: 10 paces, turn and fire. Start walking when I release the handkerchief. He raises the handkerchief in the air, and then drops it. As it leaves his hand both men begin pacing off ten steps. They turn and Joe fires. He totally misses Frank. Joe drops the pistol and closes his eyes resigned to his fate. Frank pauses, smiles, takes aim and fires, also totally missing. Joe’s eyes open and a smirk crosses his face. Joe: Does this mean I get to keep sleeping with your wife? Sam
pulls a revolver out of his jacket pocket and shoots and kills Joe. Sam: And you’re going hunting in Africa?
You
Can’t Make an Omelet
Without
Breaking an Egg
By: Ben
Dougherty (bdougherty@maryville.edu)
Characters: Joe O’Connell- Governor of Louisiana Sam Snider- Joe O’Connell’s body guard Yvonne Wright- Joe O’Connell’s secretary
Setting:
Governor O’Connell’s office
Stage opens with a desk and a few chairs. Sam is BSR standing with his feet slightly apart and his hands folded in front of him. Joe is sitting in a chair behind the desk. Yvonne and Bill are standing around Joe patting him on the back and congratulating him on a speech he just finished giving. Bill: Way to go! Yvonne: I thought the crowd was going to blow the roof off this place every time you said “lower taxes!” Everyone Laughs Yvonne: We’re sure to win the Senate election! Joe: Thank you all for your help in putting the speech together. Now if you don’t mind I’d like some time to work on a few things. Don’t forget about our staff meeting in an hour! Bill and Yvonne Exit; Joe sits down at his desk and begins looking over some papers; Sam is obviously upset about something and is fidgeting. Finally, looking as if he can take it no more, Sam moves closer to Joe speaking. Sam: (Boldly) Mr. Governor? Joe: What can I do for you? (sarcastically/exhaustedly as if the whole world always wants something of him) Sam: Well you see, it’s about your speech. (Joe suddenly brightens up thinking that Sam is going to compliment him) I was listening and— Joe: You wanted to compliment me on my speech, well thank you so much! You know Sean, I really appreciate feedback— Phone rings and Sam appears upset that he has been interrupted. Joe: (Picking up phone) Governor O’Connell speaking. (Relaxing) Really sweetheart? You thought it was that good? Thanks honey. No, I won’t forget about dinner with the Pruitts. I love you too. Bye. (Going back to his papers) Sam: (Annoyed at having been interrupted) Excuse me Governor, I— Joe: I know you want to tell me more about what a great job you thought I did, but I have work to do here Sean. Sam: It’s Sam sir. Joe: What? Sam: My name isn’t Sean, it’s Sam! Joe: What happened to Sean? Sam: There was no Sean Mr. Governor, I’m the only bodyguard you’ve had since you were elected Governor! Joe: Oh, well Sam, as much as I’ve enjoyed this conversation, I really must get back to my work (turning back towards his papers) Sam: But I didn’t like your speech at all! Joe: (Dropping his papers and losing his temper; standing yelling) WHAT?! Did you just say you didn’t like my speech? Why on earth not?! Sam: Your plan to cut taxes is great and all— Joe: (Happy with himself again) Isn’t it though? It’s quite brilliant actually. Of course I had a few advisors assist me, but most of the work was mine. Sam: But to cut taxes you plan on cutting funding to special education. Joe: Now I see Sea…Sam. You’re actually one of those freak socialist fanatics! You’re not really a bodyguard at all are you! Sam: I AM your bodyguard, and I have been for four years now! But you’ve ignored me like I was a fly— Yvonne knocks as she enters the room and Joe sits down quickly looking busy and Sam snaps back to his original position. Yvonne: Governor, I’m sorry to interrupt you— Joe: Oh no interruption at all. (Looking up from his papers smiling generously) What can I do for you? Yvonne: Well, there’s a reporter on the phone who wants to know your stance on environmental issues. I think you should speak with him sir; his name is Frank Peters. Joe: Very well, put him through. (Yvonne exits, and Joe picks up the phone) Hello, Governor O’Connell speaking, is this Mr. Peters? (Pause) Well Mr. Peters, as an American, I am invested in protecting this land, which our forefathers secured in our name with their blood. Of course, as a duly elected representative of the people of this great state, I am obliged to follow the will of the people, and represent their interests as my voting record in the State Legislature showed before I became a governor. Thank you so much for your interest, I hope that was helpful. (Hanging up as he finishes the sentence and letting out a sigh of exhaustion. Goes back to looking at his papers obviously hoping Sam won’t speak to him again.) Sam: (Growing increasingly annoyed) I really want to talk to you about cutting funds to special education. I don’t think you understand— Joe: You don’t think I understand? Do you think I’m an idiot? Do you think I’ve never been in a special school? Sam: Not since you’ve become governor. And I honestly don’t believe you have any idea what you’re cutting funding to! Joe: How dare you question my judgment! Who the hell do you think you are anyway? You’re just a bodyguard! What do you know about funding, and balancing budgets? I’ve got taxpayers screaming for lower taxes, and in case you haven’t noticed, we’re months away from the election that could make or break my political career! Sam: I realize that, but— Yvonne: (Entering without knocking) Excuse me, Mr. Governor sir, but your environmental advisor would like to meet with you for a few minutes to go over your new proposed legislation. Bill: (Entering and speaking with a stutter) Mr. Governor sir, I’ve looked over this bill you want to send to the state congress, and I was wondering if— Joe: (Obviously annoyed with the time Bill’s stutter takes up, trying to finishing his sentence and speak quickly) --if we could go over it, yes Bill. Is there something specific you’d like to talk about? Bill: Well, I was wondering if, well, if you knew that that this bill will probably cause some rather unsafe environmental conditions? Joe: This bill— Bill: Yes? Joe: No, Bill, not YOU, I’m talking about THE bill, the legislation! Bill: Oh Joe: This (carefully selecting his words) proposed legislation is non-negotiable. I told United Oil that I’d put these measures into effect in return for their campaign support. Thanks to their support, it looks like I’ll be going to Washington in a few months…(looks off into space dreaming about going to Washington) Bill: But sir… Joe: (Still in dreamland) Hmmm? Bill: (Realizing his arguing is futile) Yes sir, I’ll make sure it’s ready to go. (Exits) Sam: (Becoming very angry about all these interruptions, and indignant about the blatant lie the governor told the reporter) You JUST got off the phone with that reporter guy telling him that you were in favor of protecting the environment, and the whole time you were intending to send a bill to the state congress that hurts the environment. And all because you want to win the senate race! Joe: That’s part of being a politician. Sometimes, things have to suffer for the greater good. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Sam: Well my son has special needs and I’m not going to let you break him to win your election! Joe: What are you going to do about it? Sam: I’ll show you what I’m going to do about it. Sam chases Joe around the desk, and catches him within a few seconds putting Joe in a headlock and screaming, “You won’t hurt Johnny, I won’t let you!” when Yvonne enters and Sam and Joe freeze, Joe looking up at Yvonne from headlock. Yvonne: (speaking in hushed tones) Mr. Governor, the private investigators have reported back to me. Your son was adopted by a couple, Sam and Elizabeth Snider. Joe: What? Can’t you see I need help, why are you just standing there? Yvonne: (looking confused) I’m sorry sir, why are you standing like that? Is something wrong with your back, can I do something to help? Sam releases Joe from the headlock and Joe stands up as Sam steps back Joe: My back? Are you nuts, my bodyguard just tried to kill me! He had me a headlock, are you blind!? Yvonne: (looking very confused) Ummm, sir, you don’t have a bodyguard. Joe: Of course I do, his name is Sam and he’s standing right there! (pointing at Sam who is smiling from ear to ear) Yvonne: No sir, Sam is the name of the man who adopted your son. I just told you that. Perhaps you should lie down sir? Joe: Get out! Get out now! Leave me alone you blind nitwit! Yvonne runs out of the office. Joe: (turning to Sam in subdued fury) What’s going on here? Who are you really? And why can’t anyone see you but me? Sam changes almost completely. He has no temper, no anger, and no frustration for the rest of the show. From here on, he is totally calm, cool, and collected. Sam: So Joe, you have a son? (sitting behind the Governor’s desk) Joe: Get out of my chair! Right now! Sam: Sit down Joe. (Joe sits, almost robotically) Tell me about your son. Joe: I don’t know anything about my son. My wife and I put him up for adoption when he was born. We were both in law school at the time and didn’t want a child yet, we weren’t even married at the time. Sam: You had a child out of wedlock and then decided to give it up for adoption? And you don’t know anything at all about this child? Joe: No, why? Sam: Interesting… Joe: Why is that interesting? What do you know? Who the hell are you!? Sam: Relax Joe, so why are you trying to find your son now, after all this time? Joe: I want to reunite my family. Sam: So you can get more votes in November? (Joe hangs his head in shame) So that you can find him before your opponent or the press do? Because if they find him before you do, then you’re sunk. Isn’t that right Joe? Isn’t that why you REALLY wanted to find your son? (Pause) Well Joe, I’ve got news for you. Joe: (looking up with trepidation) What news? Sam: Your son has special needs. (Joe realizing the implications of this statement looks down again; Sam stands up and starts walking slowly around the desk toward Joe) It’s too bad you’re cutting funding to special education. But after all that’s governing, right Joe? Hurting some for the benefit of others? Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. (Leaning down to talk in Joe’s ear) Isn’t that what you said? (Pause) Strange how your decisions take on a whole new meaning when you’re the egg and not the man eating the omelet. Sam exits, leaving Joe alone for a moment, when Yvonne walks in holding some papers. Yvonne: (trepidacious about entering) Excuse me, sir? Here’s the final draft of your new tax plan. Pause Joe: (Standing up slowly and turning toward her, his face wrought with tension; whispering barely audible) Scrap it… Yvonne: (leaning in a bit) I’m sorry sir, what did you say? Joe: I said scrap it! Schedule a meeting with the budget committee to rework the new tax plan. Yvonne: Yes sir. (exits) Blackout Announcer: (Voice Only) And the election results are in. Governor Joseph O’Connell campaigning on an environmental protection platform was elected to the Federal Senate by a landslide. Sources credit his popularity with the public to his new tax plan increasing funding to special education.
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